Purging the Anger That's Killing Me

I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog, but I need to get this out as a form of self-medication, because I have never felt as unwell as I have these past couple months, and I have traced it back to the boiling RAGE I feel at everything and everyone that's held me back. I really think the anger is killing me, and I've been told that getting the anger out is the only way to cleanse these negative energies, so here goes. I might have to tell on a few people, but we'll see. 🥹

Here are all the things I'm angry at that NEED to be purged in order for me to feel better:

Being dismissed/discriminated/ragged on constantly for my neurodivergence. I am society's idea of a crazy person, especially a 'crazy woman,' an archtype that gets hated on and made fun of like no other. I am autistic with BPD, ADHD, OCD, and the most severe depression and anxiety that it is possible to have. I have been to the brink of suicide, MANY TIMES. And I don't know really why I'm still here because my life feels so hopeless, and so futile, and so lonely and so miserable and so laughable and so small and so worthless. I have deep hatred for many people in this world who have constantly pointed out my shortcomings since childhood until I learned to hate myself at the young age of 5 years old or possibly even earlier. Let's start with certain members of my family who have kicked me at my lowest point by first dog-piling me, telling my parents to kick me out because of my mental breakdowns just after graduating from college. These same douchebag family members also told me my autism was a lie, pointing in my face and calling me a liar after I did nothing wrong but make a vulnerable post on social media about how employers refuse to hire autistic people due to them being weird and having extra challenges. It's true that I went my whole life undiagnosed due to the FAILURE of society to study how autism presents differently in women and girls, and have tried to get supports for my self-diagnosed autism. But don't worry because I tried everywhere and got JACKSHIT for my efforts. I've been cyberstalked and harassed for admitting to being self-diagnosed. An entire Reddit section of mostly men actually took the time to write me entire essays on why I'm being a 'lame duck,' 'gross' and a vIcTiM for daring to find autism-friendly employment as a self-diagnosed autistic. 'I have back pain, and I don't go around saying I should get a job just because of that!!' Said one neckbeard to me. They then found my Medium page and art portfolio and left comments saying my art was shitty, and cross-posted my blog for people to make fun of. This is what I fucking get, I guess, for struggling and trying to get one tiny iota of help for myself. Again, don't worry because I got a big fat NOTHING, so you don't need to worry about me 'stealing' resources from 'real autistics' who deserve it. I'll just fucking kill myself like I planned to. 

Ummmmmmmmm, what else. Oh yeah, this whole fucking society in America who thinks disabled people are FAKING and should have to have no arms or legs before they can get on any assistance in this country. I have literally seen people comment that a paraplegic person had no excuse not to work when they can still do so many things, LMFAO 

AmeriKKKa has not treated me nor my family well at all. In fact, we were targetted during Covid simply for being Asian, and had people show up on our front porch to yell at us. I can think of a few cool people who I would genuinely say deserve not to be lumped in with the majority idiot braindead people of this country. And guess what, bitch? I can literally say whatever the fuck I want, because I'm not looking for work. I currently work as a number in a system, and they couldn't give a fuck about my web presence or whatever, so I don't have to hide behind a fake LinkedIn page and pretend I'm some douchebag 'professional' person who plays by society's fucking stupid rules!!!!!!   I think maybe feel better already :D :D :D

Also, now that I'm deep into my 30s, I live with the knowledge that men see me as 'expired' and I never met my person, because society's fucking stupid beauty standards has left me a lifelong loner who never even managed to have sex because of shallow, ageist men who somehow think they deserve better, despite being old and ugly themselves!!!! Fuck these men, and fuck women for playing the game and fuck this whole shitty society that never let me see myself as anything other than UGLY and oh, my family also would compliment women but when I asked 'what about me 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹' they say ehhhh, you'd be pretty if you lost weight.'

So yeah. My family never let me feel good about myself even for a minute. They constantly had input on how beautiful OTHER women were, but I was never allowed to wear the 'cool' clothes because of my weight and how it didn't look good on me. And then my mom said the reason I've never managed to have a boyfriend or friends is that people are 'repulsed by my weight.' Lol. So yeah. I don't know what it feels like to have a loving family that nurtures self-esteem. It never occurred to me to have self-esteem, and yet these same parents pulled a 180 and were like 'why does she have no self-esteem' later on lol. Ummmm, yeahhh. I feel so much rage for this fat, ugly body but I also feel so much hatred towards those who made me feel ugly. I was bullied in middle school and also in high school (though more covertly.) People made fun of the way I talked and the way I looked down at the floor when I walked. A boy once called my friend while he was drunk and said that everyone thought I was weird. I was 'that weird girl who walked funny.' At the end of 12th grade, we all had to give a speech to a person whose name we pulled out of a hat. We were told we couldn't say anything bad or embarassing, and we also couldn't say impersonal things like 'I don't actually know you.' Wellllll, I pulled that fucking douchebag kid's name, George Gilliam. And I was nice about it. I bothered to research where he planned to go to college. I complimented his band. I was FUCKING NICE. And you know what the girl who pulled my name said? 'I don't know you that well, buttttt I guess I always remember seeing you in the hallways and I'll really miss seeing you in the hallway next year.' LOL. So, if you happen to google yourself, George, I hope you know: I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING I SAID IN THAT SPEECH AND YOUR BAND FUCKING SUCKS. IT HAS A STUPID FUCKING NAME, TOO. HAVE A NICE REST OF YOUR LIFE, ASS HOLE.'

If anyone I know finds this, I don't care because things they did to me damaged me beyond repair. The total LACK of compassion I received was almost as damning as the mental illnesses, themselves. 

My life has been filled with trauma, but I also think back on the many times where there was peace in the loneliness. No, there were no dates or road trips with friends, or 'girls night out.' But there was those times in college that I took a nightly pilgrimage to the gazebo to clear my head because even being away from home was difficult for me. I listened to the CATS soundtrack and walked around at night on campus. Where I went to college in Harrisonburg, VA was almost like an idyllic place. It had many green pastures, open skies, storybook houses, and even horse carriages from the local Mennonites. When I remember the pain and lonliness of this life, I also remember sunsets over the fields and long walks down country roads. I want to put those moments out here too, because once I'm gone there will be no one to remember them. Even as I type now, I feel an aching pull for those times. 

Oh, the BIG ONE is these employers who won't hire disabled people and try to oust employees when they find out they're disabled by creating an 'improvement plan' that is fucking impossible so that they'll quit all by themselves, and these fucking millionaires and billionaires who think they 'earned' it all, when they really got ahead by being NEUROTYPICAL AND ABLED. There's no fucking way I believe they 'earned' what they got, LOL!!!!!! And I love when healthcare CEOs get shot, I hope it happens to more!

ummmmm, yeah. People don't believe it from the way I write like I am here, but I was identified as intellectually gifted as a child. Wanna know what it got me? FUCKING NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT!!!!! I have never even managed to pull more than 1,000 a month and that's a really good month for me. And I'm a borderline genius, haha! It's society's BULLSHIT that keeps people like me down. Oh, yeah, and the fucking Tech Academy that plugged me for free labor once they found out I'm autistic. There's even more examples of this happening to me, because autistics are seen as fucking worthless in the job market. Yeah, there's no good way to end this. I'm angry about so many more things, but I'm gonna call it right here for now. Hope this doesn't give people a bad impression of me, because I have sooooooo many important things to say!!!!! But I just won't be a fake 'professional' person any longer because it hasn't done me any fucking good, and I'm wayyy too miserable not too let my rage spill out here. See you all next time! 😃