Purging the Anger and Resentment so I can FEEL BETTER

I was recently advised during a quantum healing to 'fully go into' my anger and resentment in order for my chronic GERD and Gastritis to be relieved.

And I realize that to a lot of people, it sounds like a load of BS, but my own experiences and the research I've done into healing modalities confirm that the root of all health issues is energetic. Meaning, basically, that you may think you have chronic pain in your shoulder because of an injury. But if the weeks turn into months and then years, and you're still incapacitated by pain? That points to a past life issue carrying over to the present, or karma to be worked out in this life. Quantum healing puts you in touch with your Higher Self, who knows the reason for all things you are going through. My higher self told me that my anger and resentment were poisoning me, and as counter-intuitive as it may seem, the only way to drain these poisonous emotions is to feel them more so that they can be released. 

'What broken heart moments need to be felt and acknowledged in order for the heart to be ignited and expanded?' were the exact words from my higher self. Soooooooooo, here goes. I'm going to write this all out publicly, because I'm just so unhappy with my life that I think my pain needs to be witnessed. I'm going to treat this post as a running journal, and you are free to give this one a pass. I'll have a lot more edifying material in future posts that pertain more to growth and positivity.

BROKEN HEART MOMENTS -- omg, soooo many ;(

1) When my family would compliment other parents about their daughters but when I asked 'what about me?' they'd shrug and say 'You'd be pretty if you lost weight.'

2) I was brave and decided to sign up for drama club in 6th grade. Being shy and autistic, I gave everything my best and was feeling pretty proud of myself. On the bus ride home, I heard the other girls in the club talking about me. They made fun of my acting and said they could do it way better than me. After they saw me glaring, they shut up. But it was too late. I eventually quit drama club.

3) My parents blamed me for not growing taller. I was bullied my entire life by everyone for being short.

4) At 22, I confessed that I'd always had a secret fantasy of being a Victorias Secret girl. I was fat and short with low self-esteem. I craved society's standard of beauty so much that became obsessed with trying to meet it. My aunt made fun of me and said I'd be stupid to think I could be like them. My mom agreed. They spread it around and soon the whole family was laughing and making fun of me for days for daring to have this fantasy.

5) After I had another autistic meltdown, my brother told me he realized as a kid that I was not someone he could look up to.

6) My mom put down my dog while I was at my college apartment and ignored my calls all day until I was screaming into her voicemails and sending angry texts. They didn't want me there because I would try to save her from being put down.

7) Being told no one would ever want to marry me and a certain douchebag family member rattled off a list of reasons why. Most of them were due to my autism like carrying stuffed animals/smelling them in public. I have been treated very cruelly by my family for being neurodivergent.

8) Passing the age my parents got married at without ever having so much as a date or having sex. Feeling like I outgrew being their child because I reached such an old age without these things.

9) The time I was called everything that I am. ('40 year old unemployed depressed virgin living in mom's basement') and realized my entire life is an insult.

10) Got up the nerve to take a performance class in art school. Despite the word 'weird' not being allowed during critiques, a girl made a point to call everything I did for class 'weird' and said I needed to 'work on my anxiety' if I ever wanted to do this type of work in the future. So basically my anxiety being weaponized as a personal failing. Brought on flashbacks of that 6th grade drama club.

11) Realizing my entire life that I had given so much of myself to so many people who saw me as disposable.

12) A woman invited every other woman in our class to her wedding except for me.

13) Being salty that I had never been invited on any trips when my brother was invited to Hong Kong by friends he just met, and my mom telling me it's my fault I pushed everyone away and I would be going on trips too if I hadn't done that (tears streaming down my face until I couldn't see)

14) A 'friend' I co-moderated an Elton John facebook group with used my account to hit on an EJ impersonator and realized he had spent months impersonating me, sending this guy nudes from porn sites and nasty explicit messages supposedly from me. I uncovered hateful, racist messages from the guy's family directed at me, threatening to expose me online for 'scamming' their father. This one hit hard. I kicked this friend out of my life after 5 years of online friendship.

15) Another friend overdosed who I played Runescape with, and I can't open the game without crying.

16) Being told by a drunk kid in high school that everyone thought I was weird because I 'walked funny' and finding out a group of 9th graders had an entire collection of inside jokes that were all about me. 

17) Kids in high school calling me 'that weird Korean kid' when I'm not even Korean and me faking that I didn't understand what they just said when they walked over to hi-five me (being fake friendly to me while making fun of me to their friends, and I just smiled like an idiot and took it.)

18) Drawing one of the high school bullie's name for the graduation speech and having to say nice things about him. The girl who got my name didn't fucking bother to say anything that wasn't impersonal and cold.

19) Finding out my friend told my brother I was the 'last person' she wanted to talk to and she had been ignoring me on purpose.

20) My college roommate was a kleptomaniac or had some other personality disorder who would steal from me, I told on her and got her suspended and then found out she fabricated lies about me to our other mutual acquaintances because she didn't want them to know the truth of why she got suspended, and so I got ghosted by all of them.

21) At 20, I happened to see emails on my aunt's computer from my mom talking about how horrible I am and complaining I can't do anything like pick up Chinese takeout (I couldn't talk to strangers at 19, literally because of autism) and saying 'progress is extremely slow' and forwarding my rage-filled screeds to show what a horrible person I am. I had tears streaming down my face and also found out the real reason I wasn't allowed to attend my grandfather's funeral in Taiwan (because I would be melting down and relatives wouldn't tolerate it).

22) Let out a rant on facebook about how employers don't like to hire autistic people. Cousin saw it and spread it to the whole family and I was confronted and told during a tirade that  'actually you're not autistic' (because people who know nothing about autism but stereotypes on t.v. would know, right?) At that moment it felt like I wasn't allowed to breathe about my struggles without cruelty being lobbed my way. I truly felt like killing myself so many times since then.

23) That time that an oral exam was required for qualifying students to graduate with honors and when my mom found out I wasn't planning to take the exam due to anxiety, she wouldn't stop badgering me until I agreed. Well it ended with me forgetting how to talk and crying in front of my professors and then crying on my bed the rest of the day.

24) Realizing I will never have the energy for a career, so I just quit even trying.

25) Being cyberstalked by redditors for daring to ask where I can find employment support centers that will help self-diagnosed autistics. They found my Medium writing and art portfolio and left shitty comments saying my art sucked and then got other members to pile on me. They were all calling me a 'lame duck' and a 'victim' and saying I was gross for self-diagnosing. I feel like the whole world is telling me that I don't exist, that I don't exist, that I don't exist. 

I realize some of these things sound like privileged whining as I've been told, but honestly life with unsupported neurodivergence has been so damn miserable. I feel like I lose everything the moment I stop putting on the mask, but I am just too exhausted to do anymore faking.

I AM SO UNHAPPY IN LIFE THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE SOMETIMES. 

more to come.. that felt kind of nice to let out.