A little bit of My Story

So, it's kind of a long aimless story, but I wanted to do a bit of an autobiographical post because it's usually the 'weird' people who get into metaphysics and consciousness studies, and it's worth examining the wayward kind of social reject path that tends to lead us this way.

I am a near middle-age woman who is generally seen as an outlier to society, a stereotypical drifter, as it were. I grew up with lots of mental illnesses including autism, adhd, ocd, depression and anxiety, and the trauma of going through all of that unsupported also gave me borderline personality disorder (people are always surprised but this is actually how it works.)

I also had these amazing ideas from early childhood about the true nature of reality and the universe. I was absolutely convinced that reality was hackable, and that the adults around me were far too willing to accept that bad things just 'happen,' and we have no power over them. I developed ideas in my head of devices that could heal any type of disease instantly. I was hung up on wanting to make an anti-gravity broomstick that the kids at my school could play quidditch on (so obviously I was very pragmatic even at that age). Other 'impossible' ideas consumed me daily; as I sat staring out the bus window, the thoughts would flow from one area to another. For some reason, my thought process and creativity were always tied to motion, so being in a moving vehicle like a car, plane, bus, or even roller coaster, gave me a creative high of an unexplainable sort. I have a theory on why that is, but I'll save that for another time. My parents became more and more disappointed in me. Once considered a gifted child, they were filled with hope for what I might do in the future. As it became evident that my anxiety and other issues were keeping me from taking risks or applying myself, they started asking what happened and 'why I wasn't doing anything.' I don't know. I think life was so traumatic for me that I just spent all my time coping. I just wasn't very happy at all, and don't even think I know what happiness feels like, if I'm being honest.

As I got older, the struggle to keep up as a developmentally disabled young woman got tougher and sadder. I was consumed by self-hatred for what I percieved as my failure to be a normal person who can drive, date, and have a job. I retreated into what I called 'the impossible secret technology' as a coping mechanism for not being all that I should've been. As the mental pain grew, I developed suicidal urges. My obsessions were now looked at as a symptom of my illness, but I could not leave off of the fixation with impossible technology to save my life. It was literally saving my life, because without it, I did not want to be alive anymore. Only the hope of one day finding out universal secrets to hacking reality gave me any hope in this hopeless existence. That may seem extreme, but it's where I was at by that point. While other girls went on dates, I was holed up in my room, reading The Seth Material and doing research about the more fringe experiments of Nikola Tesla. I locked onto any modality that claimed it was possible to change your physical appearance with your mind, as I had the worst body dysmorphia you could possibly imagine. My life was *a wreck*, and I was truly miserable. You've heard of the dark night of the soul? Well, I see the entire 2 decades between 18 and the present as my dark night of the soul.

I was jobless, depressed and lost as to how to create a normal life after so many years lost to mental illness and my fixation. I had also picked up other fixations along the way, including food addiction, unnatural attractions to specific people and specific animals (walrus). Between indulging in these fixations, I put all my focus into trying to scrounge up a real life for myself. I came to see my metaphysical obsession as a type of crack, distracting me momentarily from my self-hatred and hopelessness of my life. I knew I was what society regarded as a loser. I didn't know what to do but try to pull the pieces together and kick the impossible technology habit to the curb. I just didn't know where it fit in anymore. I wasn't even a scientist or engineer, so how was I going to invent reality-bending devices? I jumped from art to trying to learn coding, to picking up random work wherever I could. None of it was enough to sustain me, and all of it burnt me out to the point of physical exhaustion.  I couldn't focus on anything, so I was always planning big ambitious projects and forgetting about them. As everything fell apart, I found metaphysics again, and this time I was discovering nothing but affirmation that everything I'd suspected about reality being 'hackable' was absolutely true. It really started when I stumbled on Richard Martini's afterlife forum, which I referenced in other posts. I learned from the material on his forum that there appear to be some hard truths about the nature of reincarnation and consciousness. Again, zeroing in on consciousness being the focal point of our power as humans. From there, I read lots of books on the nature of reality and about our purpose as souls (Martini doesn't like that word, but it's still used frequently). Then, the information on healing modalities like quantum healing hypnosis technique just fell into my lap. Here were real, dependable energy modalities that physically heal people, and it was just as accessible as making a clinic appointment! I was on a roll with reading and learning in ways that far surpassed my expectations, and did not rely on the vagueness of systems like Tarot and Wicca, which I think of as petty distractions. 

I am still learning so much, and all the information is healing my soul. I have a huge reading list of books by experts like Dolores Cannon, who pioneered QHHT, and who wrote on the many sessions she's had with clients who have been healed through her quantum healing technique. I think I keep going back to QHHT because it's the closest thing to miraculous I have encountered on my metaphysical search. There is much more to come, but I will leave it here because I just feel like I am closer than ever to finding 'The Truth' about our human experiences and the power we have over them if we allow ourselves to seek beyond what we are conditioned to believe in.